I am more than a bit timid when it comes to asking God for something i want for myself.
In fact, I tend to ask for myself as a tag along, or add on at the end of praying for other people’s needs.
Which isn’t a healthy symptom at all.
You see, that likely means i am not submitting to the fullness of what God has for me.
By struggling to try and cope on my own, i miss out not only on the strength He has for me, but experiencing His care and growing in our relationship.
And I am oh so tired of caring for myself on my own.
I remember reading the verses about the woman with the bleeding issue when i was first a believer, and relating to her:
And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. Luke 8:43
I too have had an issue with cysts and heavy bleeding since i was 14 years old. No one has been able to stop it here on earth. I am thankful that it has slowed with medical intervention & eating a healthier diet (staying away from too much caffeine along with all soy & dairy has helped develop less cysts and keep my hormones more in check), but it has not been healed so far…
And today, I acknowledge to myself, God and all of you, my heart has stopped believing in my dream…. to be able to say the following as part of my testimony:
She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. Luke 8:44
Boy, putting that into words both hurts and feels freeing to my spirit.
I say i believe, but my trust in His best plan for me has waffled over this issue….literally, of blood.
I believe, I know He can heal, for I have both seen it and experienced it in other ways.
But will He?
The Word reminds us God is our healer in many places, and how He has the best in store for those who love & follow Him. I believe in that truth deep down.
His capability is not in question in my mind or heart.
His will is for me to be whole, fully restored, and healed.
But will He heal me in this area?
Ultimately, I know when I meet Him face to face as i enter eternity, I will be the me He planned for me to be since creation. And i do draw comfort in that actuality, that fact yet to pass.
But will He heal me in this area now?
Timing becomes the question… I want His healing now. I am weary of having spent 20 years of gross frustrating embarrassing and exhausting at times handling this issue.
And that is the crux of the problem.
I have been gripping this issue too tightly.
I have not fully let go of it and gripped on to His hem.
I am tired of trying to hold it all together, Lord.
I am letting go of my timing, my desires for You to heal me on my terms.
I am grabbing the hem of Your robe, pressing in and refusing to let go.
Because I KNOW You want me healed.
I speak this out right now, I believe You’re my Healer.
You can, You want to, and You will heal me.
And until Your timing is released for this issue of blood to be removed from me, You will be more than enough to keep me in the midst of my struggle.
You have been for me since before I was born, and always will be.
I surrender my doubts that You don’t care about me enough to heal me, You may not ever heal me while I am here on earth, and I am not worthy to be healed.
Because of what You did on the cross, Jesus, You have made me worthy through the covering of Your blood. I can approach with confidence because the veil has been torn, and You invite me to come. The One who rose from the grave? He is more than able.
And like the daughter in this story, I do not go unnoticed. You are keeping Your eye on me.
I pray that how the story ended for the woman in Luke 8 ends the same for me, but I am determined not be hiding when You do heal me, God, but shouting it from the rooftops. May You build in me the Rock solid faith I need for my healing to come to pass because of Your touch:
“Who touched me?” Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.” But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.” Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”
Reader, did you know its okay to have doubts?
Its not okay to keep your doubts hidden.
We need to bring them out into the light of His presence, so He can help us seem them in alignment with His truth, and who He is.
Doubts hidden become strongholds of the enemy, giving him space in our minds where he was never meant to roam, and begin to trap our spirits in chains from the pit.
God made us to long for more.
Come as you are to God. He loves us as we are….whether wounded, broken, hurting, doubting, fearful, angry, insecure, lonely. He never makes us feel bad for our feelings, but as He pours His love into us, we can be healed and made whole beyond imagining.
He is and always will be more than enough for all we need, and works tirelessly to bring His design for us into reality!
So I will never let go of Your hem God. Because close to You is where i was meant to be.