I have had a tendency to run away from home way too often.
And God always keeps an eye out from His porch, waiting for me to return.
There are times I run because I don’t get what God has planned, and so I fill up at His table only when I hit exhaustion, and can’t run any further.
Other times I strike out on my own to try to maintain control over my life, before heading Home with my tail between my legs, humbled by the startling reality I faced – which reminded me again only He is in control.
Then there are the times when I am sick and tired of waiting for an answer, and I take off to lick my wounds & try to hide away on my own, even though I know that is the wrong place to be.
All the while, my spirit longs for Home.
My body longs for deep rest.
My mind longs for peace.
My emotions long to be still.
My heart? It yearns for Your love.
I have been keeping how I have been feeling about this current fall bottled deep within.
I hadn’t yet cried until yesterday afternoon.
Why? Because I have been trying to be brave in a situation where I have been praying for God’s justice, and discovered He may prefer for me to offer mercy & grace.
I was hoping to be made whole from someone other than Him.
Someone i respect pointed out that out, as well as that I need to be more aware of what’s going on around me, which hurt.
Because I have been trying to hold it all in, and barely managing with getting all my ‘have-tos’ completed as best I can.
Honestly, I felt slapped in the face with what was not intended to be received that way, but hit me hard through its delivery. It left me reeling for a few hours.
But family speaks truth even when it may hurt.
You see I normally try to be sensitive to the needs of those around me, for the most part. I realize I can’t always do that to the best of my ability at times, but God still wants me to listen for His cues and follow them. Whether it be an act of kindness, encouraging word or offering to help.
In trying to do more than I should be more quickly than I ought to, my sensitivity chip isn’t tuning in, as I struggle to keep it all together.
I had a few friends over for tea last night to catch up. All of us hit a rough patch of various degrees over the past two weeks. We heard one another out, hugged each other, offered comfort where we could, and are praying for each other. That was the other aspect of family I had been missing out on too.
After they left, I still had an ache I couldn’t wrap my thoughts around as I headed for bed. Heavy hearted and drained.
This morning, I awoke to hear God whisper: “I am enough for you. Come rest in me.”
With a jolt, I realized i had been living on my own again, this time without understanding I had even done so.
I am packing my bag for a permanent move Home.
No more flings with independence. No more long runs with futility.
No more sleepovers with sulking.
I am so thankful He is always with us, even when we can’t sense Him, for we are His, I am His beloved.
He will always welcome us home, and help us wash the laundry from the road we took to get back where we belong.
God’s permanent residence.
Encircled by God all day long,
within whom God is at home.
Deuteronomy 33:12 MSG