This is going to be a hard post to write because of all the emotion which has been left untapped within me for so long.
But God says it is time.
Despite the precautions we took on our honeymoon, I became pregnant then, right after we got married.
I remember the look of joy & shock on my face when I saw the pregnancy kit confirm my suspicion, and again when I gave my hubby that same stick when I shared the good news with him.
We had just begun to tell our family & closest friends when I began to spot heavily.
My husband was at work, so my mom came to take me to the hospital, where in shock, I was hoping for good news.
The words spoken over me by the examining doctor haunted me for many years, but I am not going to give them voice again here.
At 13 weeks, my dreams were shattered just as I was getting used to the blessing that had been heading our way.
And the loss came between my hubby and I, just as we were to be drawing closer to one another.
For my part, because I am here to share my story & not his, I couldn’t unpack my rollercoaster of emotions. Our doctor tried to help with medication to regulate my cycle again, and I hit a deep emotional depression.
I felt alone & abandoned. Well meaning people offered condolences, and the standard comfort lines, except for one wise woman, my paternal grandmother.
She called me and shared with me how she had lost a baby during delivery, and how worse it had been for her to go the whole pregnancy to come home with empty arms. She cried with me for my loss.
Someone who had lost was able to reach past my depression & wrap loving arms around my heart, because they too had been there.
The following spring, hubby & I had heard about a new revival hitting the Toronto area, and our cell group decided to check it out for ourselves.
God met me so powerfully that night I came away changed forever.
When the person laid hands on me during prayer time, I fell to the ground & curled up in a fetal position (hubby told me this afterwards). In my mind, God met me, revealed He was with me, loved up on my in waves of love, and told me I would go home & soon become pregnant. That He would help me overcome all my fears, and He would be with me each step of the way. He left a verse with me,
Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
On my birthday later that month, I indeed became pregnant with the daughter I had always desired.
God used her to help heal my heart over what has been lost.
Her arrival was traumatic, and when I found myself expecting just over a year later, I turned to God again and cried out for His intervention again for this new child I was carrying.
I had a sense He was with me, and that I was to have a different doctor help with the delivery. I was much calmer this time around, but still had the underlying fear of “What if” lurking beneath the surface.
The Sunday before I went into labour, a woman from our church felt led to give me a new worship CD. I listened to the whole CD that same day, until the last song came on. God powerfully spoke to me as I sang perfect harmony to a song I had never heard before as it played. And God spoke the promise He has for me to be with me through my delivery…
The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord; He is their stronghold in time of trouble. The Lord helps them, delivers them and and saves them from the wicked, because they take refuge in Him. Psalm 37:39-40
It took me a while to realize that was the correct verse. as the song refers to Psalm 32:7, which has similar wording.
Not long after by son was born, my husband decided he didn’t want to physically have any more children. My deliveries were both very physically hard on me (I had major surgery to fix the damage left afterwards) and he didn’t want to lose me, but didn’t clarify why he was doing what he was doing at the time.
I was devastated, as I always wanted a larger family.
Our pastor came along side me and shared that my hubby had been scared of losing me in another delivery, and couldn’t move forwards without taking steps to keep me safe. It was hard to hear, but it made me realize his decision had been made out of love.
I poured my heart out in grief to God, and He revealed something to me that I have never forgotten.
Both verses I got for my children’s birth days were from the same psalm. The elder from near the beginning of the psalm, the younger from the end.
God hemmed me in on both sides, and reassured me these were the children I was meant to have.
And He also gave me a picture of the first born in heaven, hanging out with my maternal grandmother, waiting for our reunion. Happy, healthy & full of joy, this boy is His delight.
Over the ups and downs of raising small children, then teenagers, those verses have brought me great comfort.
I have prayed and continue to for their truth to come to love in my children’s lives.
For my daughter to know she is His treasure, and find the counterpart He has for her who will treat her as his treasure.
For my son to deeply come to know God has his hiding place, Stronghold, and deliverer. To come a man wise in His ways.
Nothing that happens to us occurs without His awareness.
He knows what is happening , everywhere.
He sees all the loss, pain, grief, depression and brokenness.
But He doesn’t just see it.
He walks along side us through it.
Over the years, I have been hit hard with that depression, twice after the unexpected death of loved ones, and once after my recent second mild concussion.
It took a loving God to help me regain my focus.To allow Him in to comfort, support and strengthen me to face each day as it comes.
For He understands the loss of a loved one quite keenly.
Because even if you know it’s coming, that separation from the one you love rips at your heart, breaking it as it happens.
Jesus dying on the cross ripped God’s heart wide open for all to see. He gets death, the devastation of loss and the drain of grief. He lived through it, and will help you do the same.
He has restored me, filled my heart with His love and continues to draw my husband and I closer together as we both seek Him in our losses & joys.
The Psalms are some of His most precious Words to me, because I have met the God i discovered there, who answers the cries from our depths, and who meets each one in the greatest need.
And because He knew I would need one more confirmation that He knows the plans He has for me. He made sure Psalm 139 was included.
An intimate portrait of a God in pursuit of those He loves, so much so He goes before us, walks beside us and comes behind us, keeping us every step of the way.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me. Psalm 139:5
God can use all the moments in our lives as part of the tapestry of His story being woven into our lives.
I cling on the hard days to the Promise Giver, knowing His plan for me will come to pass despite the moments which try to unravel me.
For His story will never end, and His love for His Beloved is eternal, and will last forevermore.