Yesterday was a bit of a blur, but one thing was on my heart all day.
27 years ago in the middle of May, I married my handsome Rob. 15 weeks later, I miscarried our first child. And while at the hospital, the doctor treating me spoke things which he never should have over the situation, ignorant to how I was feeling. This caused a rift in how we communicated as newlyweds, and a painful tear in my heart.
Early the following May, I discovered I was pregnant again, and was torn between joy and fear. I went for some prayer & counseling, and decided to guts my way through, day by day, as I depended on God to help me cope with my emotions. I was able to forgive the doctor, open up to my husband about how I was feeling, and had two friends hold me accountable for keeping in touch. My grandmother shared that she had lost a child during delivery, and our bond became stronger for sharing our losses.
But who really got me through was God. He gave me a picture of our son in heaven with my Nana, whom I described as having a white streak on her auburn hair, which my mom confirmed through old photos – something I had never seen here on earth. And knowing he was safe with not only God, but someone else near & dear to my heart lead to a peace which has remained with me to this day.
So I can now honestly say thank you to God for being my Rock during those rough days of loss, the worry and anxiety as my pregnancy progressed over potentially losing my daughter, and for lovingly and healing me back into a more gutsy and less fearful me.
If you too have lost a child in utero or delivery, I grieve with you. I know the loss of unexpectedly empty arms, the shattering of dreams, the depth of pain, and the weight of fear of experiencing another miscarriage, or not carrying any other children. If you need to chat, reach out. I would be honored to listen, share and pray with you, fellow mother. Sharing our hurts and lifting them in prayer can remind us we do not walk alone, and that what is on our hearts matters.
And yes, if you have lost a child before birth, you are a mother (or a father.) 💙