Tag: control

runaway, run the way Home

Karla Lees

I have had a tendency to run away from home way too often.

And God always keeps an eye out from His porch, waiting for me to return.

There are times I run because I don’t get what God has planned, and so I fill up at His table only when I hit exhaustion, and can’t run any further.

Other times I strike out on my own to try to maintain control over my life, before heading Home with my tail between my legs, humbled by the startling reality I faced – which reminded me again only He is in control.

Then there are the times when I am sick and tired of waiting for an answer, and I take off to lick my wounds & try to hide away on my own, even though I know that is the wrong place to be.

All the while, my spirit longs for Home.

My body longs for deep rest.

My mind longs for peace.

My emotions long to be still.

My heart? It yearns for Your love.

****†******†******†****

I have been keeping how I have been feeling about this current fall bottled deep within.

I hadn’t yet cried until yesterday afternoon.

Why? Because I have been trying to be brave in a situation where I have been praying for God’s justice, and discovered He may prefer for me to offer mercy & grace.

I was hoping to be made whole from someone other than Him.

Someone i respect pointed out that out, as well as that I need to be more aware of what’s going on around me, which hurt.

Because I have been trying to hold it all in, and barely managing with getting all my ‘have-tos’ completed as best I can.

Honestly, I felt slapped in the face with what was not intended to be received that way, but hit me hard through its delivery. It left me reeling for a few hours.

But family speaks truth even when it may hurt.

You see I normally try to be sensitive to the needs of those around me, for the most part. I realize I can’t always do that to the best of my ability at times, but God still wants me to listen for His cues and follow them. Whether it be an act of kindness, encouraging word or offering to help.

In trying to do more than I should be more quickly than I ought to, my sensitivity chip isn’t tuning in, as I struggle to keep it all together.

I had a few friends over for tea last night to catch up. All of us hit a rough patch of various degrees over the past two weeks. We heard one another out, hugged each other, offered comfort where we could, and are praying for each other. That was the other aspect of family I had been missing out on too.

After they left, I still had an ache I couldn’t wrap my thoughts around as I headed for bed. Heavy hearted and drained.

This morning, I awoke to hear God whisper: “I am enough for you. Come rest in me.”

With a jolt, I realized i had been living on my own again, this time without understanding I had even done so.

I am packing my bag for a permanent move Home.

No more flings with independence. No more long runs with futility.
No more sleepovers with sulking.

I am so thankful He is always with us, even when we can’t sense Him, for we are His, I am His beloved.

He will always welcome us home, and help us wash the laundry from the road we took to get back where we belong.

God’s beloved;
God’s permanent residence.
Encircled by God all day long,
within whom God is at home.

Deuteronomy 33:12 MSG

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don’t skip your sorrows: wisdom awaits

Karla Lees

Don’t skip over your sorrow, there is wisdom it wants to teach you.

-Dr. Henry Cloud

God uses all circumstances & scenarios to teach us if we are His, and to try and reach us if we aren’t.

My recent fall has taught me a few things about myself.

This being my second minor blow to the noggin, I realized I have been on the go too much without enough of His energy to keep me going.

Lesson #1:

Doing for the sake of my glory doesn’t bring Him glory.

As I have been needing more rest after this latest physical ‘adventure’ I have been learning to discern between laziness and my need for rest.

Lesson #2:

Its okay to listen to what your body needs, but you need to filter it through what He needs for you to do each day.

I am not the same person I was a few years ago, nor even the same as I was two weeks ago. I have been listening more, to myself, to others and to God. I find I don’t miss talking as much as I thought I would. I have to control my impulses a bit tighter, as emotions occasionally flare sharply where they used to start with a slow burn.

Lesson #3:

Not everyone will get you have been going through changes on the inside. Be yourself anyways.

Taking the necessary time off to recover has made it more clear what I need to do less of, or leave behind, and what is most important to me.

Lesson #4:

When you say no, and people don’t like it, remember: Not my problem. Sometimes, you have to say no to good to say yes to the best.

There has been one change I noticed the most over the last few years since my first concussion. I am a bit numb-er to extremes. My temper doesn’t blow as badly as it used to, but I also don’t get as excited as I used to either. A few things that used to really bug me don’t bother me at all anymore, and a few things I used to love to do don’t have the same thrill.

Lesson #5:

Over the passing of time, the touch of His hand and life lessons, things will change. I will be okay. He’s got me through it all!

I don’t like to lose, I don’t think any of us do. Most of all, I don’t like feeling like my life is out of control. Quick breath. This situation has revealed to me the truth to me in a most abrupt and earth jarring way…

Lesson #6:

I never was in control.
He always has been, and always will be in control.
Thinking I was was a lie,
knowing I am not is freeing truth.

What lessons have you been learning through the sorrows that have come your way?

The final lesson I will share with you all today?

Lesson #7:

It’s okay to cry.
My tears when I am upset by things in my life are healthy release for me, and matter to God.
So much so that He collects them in a bottle with my name on it!

stop peeking

Karla Lees

I knew from a young age where my parents hid the Christmas presents.

And yes, I was one of those kids who would take out the wrapped present, rattle it around, and daydream what might be inside.

When life doesn’t go as I expect it to, and I am unsure what I will unwrap up ahead, I have a tendency to keep peeking.

I bring my worries, concerns, hopes and dreams, just like you do to God on a regular basis. Sometimes verbally, mostly written and spoken in my mind.

I don’t worry about how I pray, I keep having to remind myself to do so, as I tend to be a do-er versus a wait-er.

Once I have prayed, I should be resting under His wings, safe and secure knowing He is in control, I never really was, and He has good things in store for me as I keep close by Him.

But I keep peeking out, wanting to pick the concern back up again and grip it tightly.

And like when I was a child, my imagination runs wild as I try to figure out what I will be unwrapping.

Which only leads to disappointment.

Not with God, but myself.

I am tired of grabbing ahold over and over of the things I battled to leave in His capable hands.

The tighter I hold onto it, the less likely God is to be able to fill my hands with what He wants to give me.

Wrestling with my restlessness is exhausting.

I have decided to stop peeking, and lean into Him as He covers me. Holding me close in the safety of His embrace.

If I am close enough to feel His heart for me, I will be able to trust in the plans He has for me.

Peeking has lost its appeal, as it only adds fuel to the negative thoughts that burn within me when I choose to focus on the situation instead of my Provider.

Will i likely do so again?

I would like to say never, however i know myself.

I will determine not to, ask God to help me fully let go, and work on resting in His Presence.

I choose the hope He had for me, instead of the drama around me.
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scarred

Karla Lees

You made everything all right when it clearly isn’t. #TheMercifulScar

I just finished reading the book, The Merciful Scar by Rebecca St. James & Nancy Rue. (I will be quoting from each chapter for the next three weeks as inspiration for my blog posts for the rest of April)

It stirred up memories within me in would have rather stayed hidden.

God had a different plan.

When I was a teen, I dabbled in self injury as a way of coping with my inner stresses. I used sewing needles to poke myself to let the turmoil below the skin out.  Not often, but often enough. I also scratched & irritated my already hormonal skin.

When Christ found me, He showed me a different way:

Come to me,  all you who are weary and heavy laden, and you will find rest.”

I saw clearly that this habit was not one I was to practice any longer. And that all it did was scar me in the long run.

I turned to overeating when I failed to uproot the weed of self hatred & anger that is at the bottom of self injury.

I got a mini trio of tattoos to alleviate a crisis point when I hit 40.

It could have come back full force without God’s intervention.

God in His mercy set me free from this bondage a few weeks ago.

I am still trying to find my way to a new normal where I speak up for myself, choose healthy self care, and soak regularly in God’s love for me.

You see, God gets me.

He understands the impact of a scar.

I am no longer hiding my hurts away from God in a desperate attempt to control my own pain.

I turn my hurt, pain and angst over to  God, asking for His clarity, comfort and close guidance now.

I know full well the lies we can believe when we try to be god in our own lives and try to control everything.

There is a sweet release for me with words on paper, words out loud and music again.

I may have scars, but I now wear them with grace.