When how long becomes too long

What do you do when your answer isn’t coming?

Because the loving God I know intimately has only the best for me…I know this deep deep within my soul. I believe His promises. I know His character never changes. He says He is for me, and He is all in, all the time.

So what do I do when after 31 years when an old adversary rears its head again, after being kept under control for the past few months?

When not only does it swiftly come back with a vengeance, but does so embarrassingly and very, very publicly?

I got mad.

So mad that the tears I wanted to cry didn’t have a chance to come out, as I am still mamma bearing over the continued bumbling over my daughter’s health situation.

I cleaned myself off as much as possible, and shifted from reaction mode into full tilt pursuit of God mode.

The enemy picked the wrong time and wrong person to piss off this time.

I prayed. Not long, or with many words, but:

“Enough, God. Shift the atmosphere around me to repel this attack, because if You are for me, this isn’t Your handiwork. I have had enough in my own strength. I need Your strength and endurance to help me through. Be my never failing hope, right here, right now.”

And I have a peace despite my stirred up emotions.

I know that I am in good hands.

I know He has plans for me to bless, prosper and lead me to a future beyond what I can imagine as I lie here now in discomfort and wearily type.

The same God I proclaimed and praised this morning at church, in the car this afternoon, and as I write this early evening….is with me.

He is more than enough for the worst the world can wrangle my way.  He continues to be there, helping me cope with the crisis, change as He calls, and cooperate with His Spirit as He lovingly leads me forward with care.

God is all in, always.

All in? As in all of Him is for me: when Jesus gave His all on the cross,
in whatever I am facing in this moment,
always, and forever.

In good times and through the bad, I am all in.

My hope is found in God.

Life, in its ups & downs, is temporary.

God is not.

I choose God to keep my focus and hope upon.

I only see things from my view point. God sees all things in all time. I can trust He is in control, even when I cannot see it.

And when a new situation suddenly shows up, sooner versus later, as one always seems to?

I will remind myself again that God is my true home. My refuge.
And I am safe in His embrace through it all, always.


keeper of my heart

In the past few days, a lot has gone amuck in my life.

Our dishwasher & dryer both died.
My son’s timetable is not right for his grade 12 year.
I feel like crap with aches and joint pain.
Money is tight, and its a shorter work week now.
I just dropped my daughter off to catch the train to school, my husband at emerge for a possible kidney issue, and am about to wake my son for his last first day at high school, all in the past hour.

Yet through it all, I have a deep abiding sense of peace.

Am I afraid? Am I fearful we won’t have enough for our needs? A smidge, but i keep reminding myself who holds my heart.


He is the keeper of my heart, that entangled throbbing mess of emotions, hopes, dreams,hurts, brokenness and fears all rolled into one.

I can rest knowing somehow, someway, He will take all of this and weave it into His plan for my good, my family’s good.

For He promises me a hope and a future, not just in heaven, but here on earth. He has a plan to make my life make sense when i will look back on it one day.

And His character never changes.


He always loves.
Shows mercy.
Showers grace.
Welcomes me home.
Covers me.

He has proved Himself trustworthy in previous storms in my life, why would He stop now?

As a worshipper, music (melody and lyrics) is very important to me. It seems I worship more when things are going awry than when they are going well. 

My need highlights His ability to meet it all the more.

So I will not despair, although I don’t know what the outcomes will be.

He has never let me go since becoming His, and will not let His grasp slip now.

When all else fades away, that He is all I need becomes more evident.

Keeper of my heart,
I lift my eyes to You,
Maker of the Heavens.
Standing in Your Presence,
You are never far,
Keeper of my Heart.
(variation on chorus of ‘Keeper of My Heart’ by Kari Jobe)